Weekend Match Guide: Something about Wenger and kids edition

The matches to watch after you realize that it's finally time to heed Sir Alex Ferguson's latest call to stop joking about Arsene Wenger being a pedophile. I'm sure Man United fans will only have the nicest things to say about him when Arsenal visit Old Trafford on Monday. Really. I'm not being sarcastic at all. Honestly! OK, you caught me. 

Saturday

Newcastle v Liverpool at St. James' Park -- Strike up the band and kiss a monkey --- The Alan Pardew Era begins! Incidentally, the entire city of Newcastle will be in suicide watch for the remainder of the season.

Genoa v Napoli at the Luigi Ferraris -- This one is worth watching simply to see what Genoa manager Davide Ballardini does to Napoli's Edinson Cavani. Noting Cavani's 15 goals in 22 matches, Ballardini has described Cavani as "an animal" and says, "You can't even stop [him] if you shoot him." So a nuclear missile it is? 

Bayern Munich v St. Pauli at Allianz Arena -- It's The Man against the punk-rock iconoclasts of top-flight football. Even if St. Pauli don't win, they'll probably at least spray paint a curse word on the wall of the away dressing room.

After the jump, Sunday's matches and our expectedly unexpected video...

Sunday

Spurs v Chelsea at White Hart Lane -- With one win in their last six matches, Didier Drogba says Chelsea could be seen as the underdogs here eve though they're still ahead of Spurs in the table. That is an intercoursing dishonor! Come on, Chels!!

Barcelona v Real Sociedad at Camp Nou -- Barcelona haven't allowed a single goal in their last three matches. Keeping that streak alive against sixth place Sociedad could be tough, but then again, it probably won't be. 

Juventus v Lazio at Olimpico Grande Torino -- The battle to keep pace with AC Milan. Oh and, good news! The strike is off. Again. For now.  

That'll do it. There are, of course, more matches worth watching this weekend, but I'm the TV Guide. Go! Seek out those juicy nuggets of football yourself! Get it! Get the nuggets! And above all, enjoy them.

In honor of the holiday season and Barca's new shirt sponsor...

Photo: AP; Song: Charles Ramsey's "Cashing in on Christmastime"

Michelle Trachtenberg Amanda Bynes Ana Ivanovi Jessica Cauffiel Emmanuelle Vaugier