Saturday, May 14, 2011

Random musings of footballers before they fall asleep…

Kenny Dalglish

Three-year deal. Permanent Liverpool manager. Jurassic Park. ... Now it's time to get things done. ... First things first, I'm going to make Dirk Kuyt wear a paper bag over his head at all times. ... I'm also changing Jonjo Shelvey's name to "The Other Kenny Dalglish." ... And I'll make Raul Meireles shave his blasted sideburns. ... I'll lock Steven Gerrard in a room with Phil Collins so we can keep playing well. ... And finally, I'll manage every match completely naked except for a propeller hat. ... Yes. This is going to be extraordinary...

Neil Lennon's Attacker

OK, this might have been a mistake. ... Maybe Tom was right when he said I should plan an escape route instead of just "getting creative." ... In retrospect, that was not the best plan of action. ... I also didn't consider the possibility that attacking a football manager in a stadium full of police would get me arrest if caught. ... Again, with the benefit of hindsight, I now realize that was always a strong possibility. ... The good news? Well, this whole series of events has forced me to rethink my blind rage towards gingers. ... Throwing eggs at ginger kids in the park is one thing, but, as I now understand, this time I have gone too far.

Lionel Messi


Didier Drogba

Time for the disgraces. ... First, we lost to Manchester United. Again. That's a repetitive f***ing disgrace. ... Then, Howard Webb pretended to favor us early in the match only to give Man United a key decision on a phantom foul late in the game. That's a sneaky f***ing disgrace. ... Then, I took Kitier Katba to the vet and found out he has a venereal disease. That's a promiscuous f***ing disgrace. ... Then, Kalou has been playing my XBox 24/7 because the Playstation Network was hacked. That's an imposing f***ing disgrace. ... Then, there were those times those referees who probably do things to you while you sleep cheated us out of the Champions League. That...that was a...

Photos: Getty Images

Liz Phair Aaliyah Katherine Heigl Lorri Bagley Leslie Bega

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