Saturday, May 28, 2011

DT Exclusive: How Carlo Ancelotti was sacked

Carlo Ancelotti was unceremoniously sacked in a corridor at Goodison Park following Chelsea's season-ending loss to Everton on Sunday. The following is a transcript of how we imagine his conversation with Chelsea chief executive Ron Gourlay went.

Gourlay: Carlo, I have a message from Mr. Abramovich for you.

Ancelotti: OK. What is it?

Gourlay: He says he hopes you have a nice summer, that you're welcome to use one of his less favorite yachts whenever you want, that you're sacked and that he hopes you have a nice summer. Wait, did I already say that?

Ancelotti: I'm sacked?

Gourlay: Right. And you can use one of his less favorite yachts. How great is that?!

Ancelotti: But I'm sacked? How can you tell me such news like this?

Gourlay: (shrugs) We do this kind of a lot. At this point it's like sneezing.

Ancelotti: Where is Mr. Abramovich? Can I hear this from him?

Gourlay: Uh. I don't know where he is. He's definitely not here. He's probably having lunch with P. Diddy inside a castle or something.

Ancelotti: Who is that crouching behind you? Roman, is that you?

Gourlay: Uh -- no. That's not Mr. Abramovich. That's my nephew. Dan. He's shy. And he has a beard.

Ancelotti: I doubt your nephew Dan wears miniature working yachts as shoes. Mr. Abramovich, please come out and tell me what is going on.

Gourlay: Again, that is definitely not Roman Abramovich crouching behind me and scratching the back of my leg with his beard. Now if you'll excuse me, Carlo, I must be going.

[Gourlay backs away slowly, trying not to reveal Roman Abramovich crawling behind him]

Ancelotti: Can I at least travel with the team back to London?

Gourlay: Um, no. Avram Grant will be here to pick you up in his rickshaw sometime before Tuesday. Anyway, good luck. And remember the yacht deal. Oh, and I heard Phil Scolari will be hosting a mixer for former Chelsea managers next month. That'll be a blast!

Ancelotti: I just had- AH!

Vladimir Putin: PUTIN SACKED

Photos: Getty Images, AP

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