Howard Webb will be the referee for Manchester United's all-important match against Chelsea at Old Trafford on Sunday. The same Howard Webb that prompted Ryan Babel to get himself sent to #Twitjail for sharing the photoshopped picture to the right. So how did the referee who has been repeatedly accused of favoring Man United get such an important assignment? The following is a transcript of how we imagine that decision was made.
Bernstein: No matter how much we punish him, Ferguson won't stop badmouthing the referees, Mike.
Riley: I know, I'm sick of it. Let's just appoint Howard Webb for Sunday to shut him up.
Bernstein: Agreed. We'll ring Howard and tell him.
[Bernstein dials old rotary phone]
Webb: Glory glory Man United, this is Howard.
Riley: Howard, it's Mike Riley. I just wanted tell you that you'll be working the Man United v Chelsea match this weekend.
Webb: I can't.
Riley: Why not?
Webb: I'm playing for United. The boss said that Michael Carrick is worse at football than a Darron Gibson is at Twitter so I'll be playing in the midfield. I'm so excited!
Riley: You can't be serious, Howard. You won't be playing for Manchester United and Alex Ferguson is not your boss!
Webb: Yeah, he is. He sends me a dead cat once a week with a note attached that says "I'm your boss! Fergie xx"
Riley: I don't believe this.
Webb: I know, I can't believe it, either. I've dreamed of this day for so long!
Riley: Well, you're not playing in that match. You'll be the referee and that's final, Howard.
Riley: And you'll show a player a red card if he kicks an opponent in the chest, like we talked about?
Webb: Can I wear my Man United shirt while I work, though?
Webb: You probably won't even make me a sandwich after the match with bread shaped like a heart the way Mr. Alex does, will you?
Riley: Yeah, no.
Webb: (quietly weeps)