I am Didier Drogba and this is my expert analysis of the Champions League round of 16 draw. Like my near perfect predictions and analysis for the group stage draw, I will tell you about the match-ups and rate each on the highly scientific F***ing Disgrace Scale. Let's begin.
AS Roma v Shakhtar Donetsk
Didier Says: Shakhtar proved they are worthy by winning their group and Roma did not prove enough! I predict there will be too many snoods in this match-up!
Verdict: This is not a f***ing disgrace! But the snoods!
AC Milan v Tottenham Hotspur
Didier Says: Gareth Bale will defeat both teams and advance by himself like the Highlander! He will then impregnate all of the women and make you change your name to Tom! If you're name is already Tom, this obviously won't affect you much!
Verdict: This is a mild f***ing disgrace! "Tom Drogba" just sounds wrong!
Valencia v FC Schalke
Didier Says: Schalke are in 10th place in the Bundesliga -- just five points away from the relegation zone -- yet they won their terrible Champions League group! They are luckier than Kalou when he scores a goal! Valencia will win and then throw football cakes at Huntelaar's head!
Verdict: This is a potentially delicious f***ing disgrace!
Inter Milan v Bayern Munich
Didier Says: They can't do this! They've drawn a rematch of last year's final! It shouldn't be a big deal because both clubs are nowhere near as good as they were last season, but if UEFA gets confused and gives the winner of this fixture the trophy, I will build a hospital just to put them all in! Also, Mourinho says Rafa Benitez will probably do something to screw this up for Inter! And then he laughed so hard that he choked on his muffin!
Verdict: This is a flat-out f***ing disgrace!
Lyon v Real Madrid
Didier Says: Jose also says that Real will win and that he looks forward to getting vengeance on Barcelona in the later rounds! And then he laughed diabolically until he choked on his muffin again! I told him to stop eating the muffin while he laughed, but he didn't listen!
Verdict: This is a f***ing disgrace, although I haven't decided why yet!
Arsenal v Barcelona
Didier Says: Arsene Wenger predicted Arsenal would draw Barcelona again! Clearly this man is some kind of witch! This is explains why I often see him flying around London on a broom! It does not explain why he thinks I have a dog called "Toto"! I do not own a dog! I own an obese feline called Kitier Katba! Witchcraft aside, Barcelona will obviously win this because Pep Guardiola is impervious to any and all dark arts that he himself does not engage in!
Verdict: This is a magical f***ing disgrace!
Marseille v Manchester United
Didier Says: Rio Ferdinand said this will be tough on Twitter! Rio Ferdinand needs to stop messing with that thing! Twitter is only for Justin Bieber fans and men trying to meet Justin Bieber fans! Manchester United will win this because they apparently don't ever lose anymore, but I will be rooting for my old friends at Marseille, especially now that they have Rod Fanni! How is he not legally required to be a pornstar with that name?!
Verdict: Twitter is a total f***ing disgrace!
Copenhagen v Chelsea
Didier Says: I was waiting for UEFA to give us some kind of super team comprised of Barcelona, several Terminators and a thousand invincible zombies but this actually isn't so bad! Clearly they are trying to lull us into a false sense of security before unleashing a bald referee to cheat us out of the competition! If that happens I will curse on your televisions! I will curse on your televisions until it's time to feed my cat!
Verdict: This is not a f***ing disgrace! Yet!
Rose Byrne Willa Ford Desiree Dymond Teri Polo Summer Altice
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