Friday, June 10, 2011

Artur Boruc’s Friday Rage List

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. SUMMERTIME -- THE SEASON IS OVER AND IT IS TIME TO RELAX!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH I HOPE I GET A SUNBURN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. ERIC ABIDAL LIFTING THE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE TROPHY -- THIS MADE ME VERY EMOTIONAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IN FACT I STILL CAN'T TALK ABOUT IT WITHOUT MY EYES LEAKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHY IS THERE LIGHTER FLUID COMING OUT OF MY EYES!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!!

3. SHAKIRA TEACHING THE BARCA PLAYERS HOW TO DANCE -- OHMYGOD IF TAYLOR SWIFT INVITED ME UP ON STAGE TO DANCE WITH HER I WOULD LITERALLY EXPLODE FROM EXCITEMENT AND NERVOUSNESS!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT WITHOUT HAVING TO HEADBUTT A WALL TO CALM MYSELF DOWN!!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- AFTER THE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE FINAL I TRIED TO TRACK DOWN SIR ALEX FERGUSON AND ALERT HIM TO THE FACT THAT IT WAS THE CORN CONSPIRACY THAT PREVENTED HIS TEAM FROM WINNING!!!!!!!!!!!! WHEN I FOUND HIM SLEEPING IN HIS BED HE WOULDN'T EVEN LISTEN TO MY REASONABLE ARGUMENT AND INSTEAD TOLD ME THAT HE WOULD CALL THE POLICE IF I DIDN'T GET OUT OF HIS BEDROOM AND STOP SHOUTING IN HIS FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I THOUGHT HE WOULD BE FRIENDLIER THAN THAT!!!!!!!!!!!

5. THE DAILY MAIL PLAGIARIZING DIRTY TACKLE -- THIS IS AWFUL!!!!!!!!! AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!! WHEN I HEARD ABOUT THIS I THREW MY NEW BLU RAY PLAYER AT A MOVING TRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH WHEN IT BROKE IT WAS SO AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. SEPP BLATTER -- IF SOMEONE SENDS YOU A BOX FULL OF ONIONS AND RABID BIRDS KNOW IT WAS FROM ME SEPP BLATTER!!!!!!!! KNOW IT WAS FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

7. EXCITED READING FAN -- HIS IDEAS ARE INTRIGUING TO ME AND I WISH TO SUBSCRIBE TO HIS NEWSLETTER!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHY DOESN'T HE HAVE A NEWSLETTER?!??!?!??!

8. THE KID WHO PUNCHED MESSI -- EVEN IF I DIDN'T FEEL IT IF SOME PUNK TRIED TO PUNCH ME IN MY HOMETOWN AND THEN RUN AWAY I WOULD DO A ROUNDHOUSE KICK IN HIS GENERAL DIRECTION SO HARD THAT IT WOULD RUPTURE HIS SPLEEN AND MAKE HIM URINATE BARBECUE SAUCE!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH THAT SOUNDS STRANGELY DELICIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI -- SO I WAS SITTING ON MY ROOF AND STARING AT THE SUN ON WEDNESDAY BECAUSE IT WAS NICE OUT AND THAT'S WHAT YOU DO WHEN IT'S NICE OUT WHEN I HEARD MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI CALLING FOR ME FROM DOWN BELOW!!!!!!!!!! HE ASKED IF I COULD COME DOWN AND TALK TO HIM AND I SAID "SURE DAN!!!!!!!" BUT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT I HOPE HE HAS TETANUS AND DOESN'T REALIZE IT!!!!!!!!!! BECAUSE CLIMBING DOWN IS FOR BABIES I DECIDED TO JUST JUMP!!!!!!!!!! I LANDED ON MY SHOULDER AND DAN REACTED LIKE I JUST PUNCHED HIS CAT WITH A WINE GLASS!!!!!!!!! HE ALERTED ME TO THE FACT THAT I HAD A BONE POPPING OUT BUT I'M PRETTY SURE IT WAS ALREADY DOING THAT!!!!!!!!!!! HE SAID THAT HE FORGOT WHAT HE HAD TO SAY AND INSISTED ON TAKING ME TO A HOSPITAL BUT I TOLD HIM HOSPITALS ARE TERRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!! TERRIBLE!!!!!!!! ANYWAY THAT'S HOW DAN WASTED 10 MINUTES OF MY TIME THIS WEEK!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH I HOPE SOMEONE GIVES HIM A FREE PIANO THAT CAN'T BE TUNED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

Veronica Kay Mýa Natalie Imbruglia Patricia Velásquez Jennifer Morrison

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