Dimitar Berbatov said he was too busy hiding in a women's bathroom at a McDonald's for this week's edition of...The Continental, so here's Joe Cole with a personalized offer just for you.
Hiya, I'm Joe Cole!
I really appreciate you taking the time to see me. I know you're probably busy doing business stuff and being important, but this means a lot to me. Really. I'm not just saying that. I know some people do, but I'm not hahaha!
Anyway, I'll just cut right to the chase so you can get back to sending fax mails and talking about water coolers. I want be a footballer for your club. I realize you must get people in here all the time, saying that to you and giving you those flower arrangements where the flowers are actually made out of delicious fruits, but I'm not going to do that. Because I ate mine on the way over here hahahaha.
So can I play for your club? Wait, my wife said I shouldn't ask that until the end. Let me tell you about my qualifications first. I've played for West Ham, Chelsea, England and Liverpool, who were nice enough to let me keep some shirts even though they kind of don't want me anymore, which is why I'm wearing this Liverpool shirt right now. I didn't steal it or anything, so please don't call the shirt police hahahaha.
As for references, Steven Gerrard said that I can do anything Lionel Messi can do, if not better. But just to be honest with you, that's not really true. Messi can speak Argentina and Spanish, but I can just speak England. So you should probably write that down somewhere on the Twilight book I just gave you. Just don't write it on any of the other words in there because it's a good book and you'll want to read it.
You should be aware that the Guardian named me the No. 1 most unwanted footballer in Europe. I'm not going to argue with that because everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I don't want to make them feel bad about theirs, but both my aunt and Harry Redknapp said that they would love to have me on their teams if they could afford me. My aunt doesn't even have a team though. She dresses her lizards in people clothes and makes Wikipedia videos about them hahahahaha. So can I play for your club now?
Oh, this is a post office and post offices don't play professional football? OK, I'll try next door then thanks anyway bye!