Now that Jens Lehmann is retired and no longer bringing the crazy to pitches across Europe, he's decided to work towards his coaching badges with the ultimate goal of becoming a transfer-dealing sporting director. He will be taking courses later this year, but he told the Daily Mail that he will be given a head start by coaching youth players for a few days next month at his former club, Arsenal. The following is a transcript of the trial session that convinced Arsenal to give him this opportunity.
Lehmann: Hello. Welcome, welcome, children. It is an honor to be here. My name is Harry Pain and I will be your coach for the day.
Frimpong: Excuse me, sir. But aren't you Jens Lehmann?
Lehmann: Very good. When I am a player, yes, I am Jens Lehmann. But when I am your coach, I am Mr. Harry Pain. I wear a suit. I have a dog. I eat peanut butter for lunch. Now, we will begin by watching a film about a tidal wave that destroyed a small island village.
Freeman: Mr. Lehmann -- I mean, Mr. Pain -- I have to pee.
Lehmann: Then do it.
Freeman: You don't mind if I run to the bathroom real quick?
Lehmann: I do mind. Do it right where you are. We will wait.
Freeman: I don't, uh, I don't have to go anymore, actually.
Lehmann: Alright. We will see how long you can hold it. Now, where are the goalkeepers?
McDermott: I'm a goalkeeper.
Lehmann: Very good. You will fight a bear for my amusement. Bring in the bear!
McDermott: Oh god, are you serious?! You're not really going to make me fight a bear are you, Mr. Pain?
Lehmann: Ha ha ha. Of course not. Don't be silly. But you will stand in the goal and wait there until a trapdoor opens beneath you and sucks you into the earth. Go.
McDermott: Does, um, does Mr. Wenger know you're doing this, Mr. Pain?
Lehmann: What Mr. Wenger does not know will not hurt him. It could, however, hurt you. Now we will practice stealing the glasses of men who annoy us. You with the eyebrows -- begin.
Yennaris: Who, me? But no one here is wearing glasses...
Lehmann: Ha ha ha. The shortsightedness of youth. We are in London. Surely there is someone wearing glasses in this city. Find him and steal his glasses now!
[Yennaris runs away]
Lehmann: Very good. Now we will practice grinning at our own thoughts for several hours and then we will take a break for a meal and electrical therapy. Then you will all tell Mr. Wenger that you had a wonderful day and learned a great amount. Anyone who doesn't will have to fight the bear that is currently mauling Mr. McDermott. Yes? Yes.
Photo: Getty Images
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