Well hello there.
I see you've caught me pointing my leg towards the sky in an effort to arouse you. Is it working yet? I know the answer is "yes, of course it is" so don't bother answering that. Ha-HA! ... Fine. I'll just ignore your real answer and stick with the one that I can hear being shouted from your loins! ... No, those aren't "voices in my head consistent with mental illness." I met a mentally ill gentleman in the woods the other day and he assured me that I am Berba-mazing. He also assured me that I am the only descendent of a superior race that lived inside the moon, so there's that too. Ha-HA!
Anyway, by now you have surely realized that I am in a bit of a predicament. My leg, you see, is stuck like this. ... Please stop laughing. While there is no reason for alarm just yet, allow me to impress you with the tale of how this happened. ... Yes, you can read a book while I tell you, just be sure you're gazing upon my leg as you do it.
It started when Sir Alex told me that he was so confident Manchester United, the club for which I am the leading scorer and greatest ever player, could beat Crawley Town over the weekend that he planned to play a baby instead of me. At first, this confused me. Though this baby looks like a grown man and is able to speak Portuguese, he does, in fact, play football like an underdeveloped baby. So since my erotic services weren't required for the match, I decided to focus on preparing myself for the romantic evening of watching non-sexual pornography under a bridge with you. And as part of that preparation, I decided to inject aphrodisiacal oyster juice into my Berba-backside. And now my leg is stuck like this. I've been thinking about it, though, and if my fantasies are correct, if you just massage my earlobes with your toes, I should return to normal and begin seducing you. So if you'll just be so kind as to do that right now...
Oh-OHHH! All the blood is rushing out of my leg and you're walking away as if you don't care! Oh, this is terrible! Now is not the time to pretend that you're not interested in my lunar advances!
Join us again next time for another chapter in the life of...The Continental...
Photo: Getty Images
Jessica White Anna Friel Monica Bellucci Minki van der Westhuizen Katharine Towne
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