Random musings of footballers before they fall asleep…

Bastian Schweinsteiger

This is awful. ... First this guy begged to take a picture with me in a way that was both creepy and pitiful and now he's holding the camera so only his face is framed properly and the top of my head will get cut off. ... He'll probably post it on Facebook and write a stupid caption for it like, "Here I am with my pal Schweini. We're going out for a beer later lol." ... His jacket might be the ugliest thing I've ever seen. ... If he thinks I'm smiling for this then he's as dumb as his jacket...

Raymond Domenech

Hahahaha everyone sitting on the other side of me is going to think I'm picking my nose, but I'm not. ... This must be so embarrassing for them...

Fernando Torres

Not scoring is hard and tiring. ... I think I'll take a nap in my coat now. ... Dun-da-na! It's time for another adventure of Fernandooooo Gingerbread. Dun-da-na! ... "Please, Fernando Gingerbread, you must score a goal to stop the mean old Sir Strawberrynose from eating all the treasures!" ... "But I can't! Someone has cast a spell on me and now my powers are no more!" ... "You must use your magic face sprinkles and rainbow sugar, Fernando Gingerbread! Then you can score and stop Sir Strawberrynose!" ... "OK, I'll try." ... This concludes another adventure of Fernandoooooo Gingergrbread! Dun-da-na!...

Didier Drogba

It's time for the disgraces. ... First, everyone keeps talking about Fernando Torres not scoring instead of how I am scoring. That's a unsung f***ing disgrace. ... Then, everyone keeps writing us off in the league this season even though every team is terrible and no one deserves the title. That's a confusing f***ing disgrace. ... Then, Kalou said that Kitier Katba should have a Facebook page because people like him more than me even though he's fat and might have feline diabetes. That's an insulting f***ing disgrace. ... Then, there were those times those referees who probably make ice cream out of fecal matter cheated us out of the Champions League. That...that was a...

Photos: Reuters, Getty Images

Veronika Vaeková Eve Brittany Lee Daisy Fuentes Asia Argento