If you saw a tiny man made of gingerbread riding a unicorn that could sing Hall & Oates tunes while urinating happiness, it's not because there's a gas leak in your house, it's because Fernando Torres finally scored his first goal for Chelsea Football Club. Yes, after 903 minutes without a goal (for Liverpool, Chelsea and Spain), Fernando Torres scored in the 84th minute of Chelsea's 3-0, rain-drenched win over West Ham -- just seven minutes after coming on as a substitute for Didier Drogba. And when Torres finally lifted that tremendous weight and inspiration for countless jokes off his freckled shoulders, the following all happened at once in a glorious release of constipated energy:
-Fossilized dinosaurs momentarily reanimated under layers of earth. (Sadly, it was not long enough for them to hear of Torres' achievement or understand the concept of sport.)
-Justin Bieber's voice changed to that of Vincent Price.
-The sun cried.
-The moon burped.
-The city of Liverpool pretended not to care.
-A seagull mated with an expired parking meter.
-Piles of money burst into flames and turned into fried chicken.
-Lightning struck itself and then a baby.
-Chelsea players piled on top of each other in a misguided attempt to join together as one and become a Transformer made of humans.
-And, I don't know, my Uncle Bill cut his finger on a packet of artificial sweetener.
Said Torres after the match (via the Telegraph):
"[The goal drought] was not what I was expecting when I signed," Torres said. "It's not easy when you sign in January. It's thanks to my team-mates that I can score, they have been looking for me all the time. There is less pressure on me now so I hope you will see more of me.
"It's not been so difficult. The fans have been very patient with me so I had more anxiety for them than for me. I just wanted to show them I can score and I hope it is the first of many goals."
That's right. Now that Fernando has once again proven that he can do it, he will go on to score 10 gazillion goals. Literally. 10 gazillion.
Photos: Reuters, AP
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