DT Exclusive: Pep Guardiola heals his crippling back pain

Barcelona manager Pep Guardiola missed training on Tuesday and might not make the trip to Valencia for Wednesday's match due to lower back pain. The following is a transcript of what we imagine was said when his players visited their bedridden manager. 

Xavi: Pep, how are you? Everyone has come to see if you're OK.

Guardiola: I am not. Waves of pain began to shoot through my back as I attempted to carry all of our trophies at once. And now I am like this. Weep for me.

[The players weep]

Xavi: But how could this happen?! How could this happen to The Golden Pep? Why not Arsene Wenger?! The world is so cruel!

Guardiola: It is, Xavi. It is. I do not know why. It seems that my collection of vests and pocket squares could not protect me from physical pain forever.

Xavi: Well, we have all spent time coming up with remedies for your pain, Golden Pep. Leo, present yours first.

Messi: I made you a Lego back brace. And I drew a picture of us smiling on it so it will be extra strong.

Guardiola: Thank you, Leo. But this looks incredibly uncomfortable and was not featured in GQ magazine. I will not wear it. 

Pique: I think you should just let it bleed. 

Guardiola: The pain is on the inside, Gerard. It's not bleeding.

Pique: Well you should let it bleed. I'm bleeding right now and I feel great.

Villa: Don't listen to him, Golden Pep. Just grow a soul patch and you'll be fine.

Guardiola: It's not 1992 anymore, David. And I'm not Chris Cornell from the band Soundgarden. Plus, again, that style has not been featured in a recent issue of the GQ magazine. That's three strikes. Now take Messi downstairs and give him a coloring book.

Messi: Coloring books!

Puyol: Pep, I have a good idea.

Guardiola: If it involves growing my hair long and getting a perm, I'm not going to do it.

Puyol: Nevermind.

Guardiola: I appreciate all of your efforts, but only my own regenerative powers can bring me back to you. I never told you this, but my body has the ability to heal itself from a variety of illnesses, aches and paper cuts. And once that miraculous process is complete, I will return. I promise you.

Pedro: You're the best, Golden Pep.

[Pique passes out from blood loss]  

Photo: Getty Images

Jennifer Morrison Adrianne Palicki Amanda Righetti Michelle Branch Melissa Howard