I'm Bert Tiddle and you've never heard of me. When Ipswich Town sold me to Coventry, the transfer fee wasn't even big enough to cover 172 pizzas I charged to the club immediately after I got the news. I offered one to Trevor Putney but he said he already ate. Trevor Putney is numpty.
Everyone is moaning about transfer fees. The media, the degenerates at the pub, the schizophrenic gentleman I buy my milk from, even Jabulani, one of my 18 kids. And before you ask, no, I didn't name him after that wretched World Cup ball. He's at least 17 years old. At least. Anyway, everyone's shaking their stupid heads and wagging their stupid fingers about the massive sums of money being tossed about for transfers. £35 million for Abby Carroll, £50 million for Francesco Torres. You know what old Bert says? Who cares.
I know, the fact that us rich people get to spend more money than you will ever see makes you want to vomit from jealousy, but that doesn't mean club owners can't buy players for whatever ridiculous price they want. You people made football big business by throwing your own piddly earnings at it, so this is the result. Drink it in and shut up.
"But it's not fair that some clubs can spend so much and it'll destroy the league," the egg-suckers cry. Well life isn't fair and football is life. Also, so what if it destroys the Premier League? Everyone's always moaning about how it's out of control and over-commercialized anyway, so let it collapse. It won't bother me none. I'll still have my power drill. Plus, then you can see how much fun it is to watch a new league where there isn't big money for you to drool over and all the players have to artificially inseminate cows just to make ends meet. Now that's excitement.
Meanwhile, the BBC keeps paying Alan Shearer more than £1.50 to talk. That's what's truly sickening. I'm going to build a shed.
Photo: Reuters
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