Well hello there.
I see you've caught me making love to the ground. Before you explode in an arousing jealous tizzy, allow me to say that I am only doing this as practice for when you, the most bodacious Berba-bombshell of all, and I, the greatest scorer in Manchester United's history, finally join together. In my carpeted van. Ha-HA! It will be glorious! ... No, not "grotesque." Glorious. Though, that does sound enjoyable, as well.
As you may know, our match against Blackpool was postponed because the pitch at whatever they call their ground was frozen. ... No, I don't bother to learn the names of other Premier League grounds. I have far more important information to fill my Berba-brain with. Like what time you get home from the gym and which brands of mayonnaise give me a rash. Anyway, I offered to make love to their pitch until all the ice melted in erotic ecstasy, but they declined and asked me to please put some clothes on. Ha-HA!
This unexpected break has given me time to ponder ways that we can finally celebrate my five-goal performance against Blackburn in proper, sexy fashion. I've devised a sensual schedule of five activities -- one for each sublime goal I scored -- that will deliver us to euphoric bliss in honor of my achievement. Would you like to hear what I have planned? ... Well, I'm going to tell you anyway. First, we will admire my widow's peak and massage it with exotic mustards. Second, we will laugh at Wayne Rooney for several hours. Third, we will invite my friend Chicharito, a.k.a. Little Berba, to dance in the forest with us. Fourth, you will watch me make love to the ground and weep, making you feel awkward and uncomfortable. And fifth, we will-
Oh-OHHH! You just kicked me in my open mouth! Oh, that was both weird and incredibly painful! Oh, I probably shouldn't have just left my mouth open while I lay here in such a vulnerable position, but I was hoping you would put something far more titillating in there. Like a computer mouse or an ankle. Oh, my teeth haven't been in this much pain since I bit that lady that turned out to be a neon sign. Oh, I think I just got my second wind for more ground loving.
Join us again next time for another chapter in the life of...The Continental...
Photo: AP
Shannon Elizabeth Maggie Gyllenhaal Foxy Brown Ivana Bozilovic Cristina Dumitru
No comments:
Post a Comment