The uneventful life of a retired footballer

I'm Bert Tiddle and you've never heard of me. On Boxing Day 1987, I scored an own goal on Steve Ogrizovic because he got me the worst Christmas gift I have ever received -- a gold watch with my name engraved on it. How am I supposed to pawn that, Steve? How? Steve Ogrizovic is a numpty.

It's that boring time at the end of the year between Christmas and New Year's. I'm trapped in the house with the kids and all their stupid new toys and a bunch of relatives who I would like to report as deceased. I keep flipping through the channels, but the media can't be bothered to entertain us with new things around this time, so they just go back over all the stuff they talked about incessantly over the last year.

Anyway, I had nothing better to do, so I decided to put together the best quotes of the last year. But since no one can remember what they said last week, let alone what other people said 12 months ago, here are the quotes of the year that I just came up with:

"Joe Cole? Who's Joe Cole?" -- Bert Tiddle

"If Barcelona were smart, they'd make that Leonard Messi a goalkeeper." -- Bert Tiddle

"People who wear raincoats are most likely child murderers." -- Bert Tiddle

"If England had those Spanish players, they would've won the World Cup." -- Bert Tiddle

"Just because you say you're one of my 18 kids doesn't mean you really are. Five-year-olds can be liars, too." -- Bert Tiddle

"Sam Allardyce is too good for the Premier League and I am honored to let him black out on my couch four or five nights a week." -- Bert Tiddle

"The fact that an octopus could correctly predict the outcome of every football match and humans can't shows how dumb we really are." -- Bert Tiddle

"Wade Rooney is washed up as a footballer. He should run a strip club and let me eat at the buffet for free." -- Bert Tiddle

"Man City have too much money for their own good. After I won that settlement when I lost the top part of my index finger in my second freak vending machine accident, I lost some of the money on purpose so I wouldn't buy too much useless junk with it. Man City should do that." -- Bert Tiddle

"Someone needs to start a militia and invade FIFA headquarters. Harry Redknapp is that someone." -- Bert Tiddle

Those are the best quotes of 2010. If you disagree, I don't really care. I'm going to bake a giant biscuit. 

Photo: Getty Images 

Chandra West Kasey Chambers Megan Ewing Kristanna Loken Aubrey ODay